Kody Hanner
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Control Chaos in Chaotic Homes
The thing that I help parents with the most is chaos control. Why is this? Because parents generally don’t reach out or get to the point of agreeance that outside help is needed until the pinnacle of chaos is reached. They reach out because they feel overwhelmed by the prospect of needing to overhaul their whole life (or at least a whole portion of it).
I have a secret for you. A complete overhaul of your life is rarely the solution. Usually, one large change or several easily manageable changes are the solution. At the very least, these changes will allow for enough clarity to see what the real issues are in your life.
Our clarity in the chaos management
Maintenance of chaos has always been a forte of mine. I hate making anything more complicated than it needs to be (unless it’s more myself; we will call that my beige flag or whatever). I was even paid to organize chaos when I worked in food plants. When I speak at conferences, I share one instance of chaos control in our home that ended up being the biggest life changer we could ask for.
At the time, we had all six kids still at home, including our youngest, who was under a year old. I was working as a real estate agent in our rural community, which made my days often very long when I would have to drive at least 30 minutes to show any property. We were also growing our homestead, and I was writing the first parts of the Homestead Science Series. Needless to say, we were burning the candle at both ends, especially when I did most of my writing at night after the baby went to sleep, and there are things (like midnight feeds or the morning routine stress) that my veteran husband with PTSD can’t handle.
Hand it all over to chaos
We felt like our only option was to make serious changes! We discussed giving up one of our business goals, sending the kids back to public school, or not continuing with our homestead expansion. None of these options set well on our hearts, though. We knew that real estate may not be the long game, but I needed to bring in an income until I could release my curriculum. We thought we had a solution in a part-time nanny/babysitter position where I could work extra hours without interruptions. Unfortunately, between the distance we live from town and the unpredictability of my work schedule, that solution proved harder than expected.
I was also suffering from an extreme form of PPA (post-partum anxiety) that caused me to jerk awake every few minutes all night, convinced there was something wrong with the baby. I had this with all of my babies, but he had been in the NICU on oxygen and had to be sent home early due to COVID shutdowns. So, I was a sleep-deprived wreck. In a moment of pure frustration, I cried that if I could just have one hour of sleep each morning where I knew the baby was safe, that would make all the difference!
A moment of clarity through the chaos
At that moment, a light bulb went off. We didn’t need a nanny, and I didn’t need to quit my job. Each morning, all of our older kids did barn chores at 7 before school started. I had to get up with the younger kids and clean any messes the dogs made so the floor was safe for the baby, make breakfast, clean the kitchen table for lessons, and prepare lessons. All while having stayed up half the night writing and the other half jerking awake every thirty seconds.
We asked our (then 12-year-old) daughter if she would like to not feed in the mornings and instead do MY morning chores while I slept for an additional hour or got a shower. In return, she would be the only one of the kids to get a regular allowance because we had already budgeted for a nanny. She would get up at her normal time but then clean/vacuum the living room floor. Once the floor was safe for the baby to play on, she would come get him from our bedroom while also letting me know she had him. When I knew she had him, I would sleep deeper than I had in a year! She would hand him a bottle of milk and then proceed to make a simple breakfast for her brothers (or if my husband was up, he would do it). Then, she could get the table ready for school, and I would join when the boys came in. Trust me, no one could sleep through them coming back in the door!
Seriously, the simplest fix.
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What regular chaos control look like in our house
Over the years, we have learned that small tweaks and clarity in our lives are better than throwing the baby out with the bath water. The best results we have seen is when our children suggest them and then, therefore, take ownership of them.
Over the years, we have reached plenty of seasons in life where we know that chaos needs to be controlled. Each time, I let the family know that it is time for chaos control. This means we will have a family meeting where I bust out the whiteboard. I draw a line right down the middle. On the left side, I write “Chaos,” and on the right side, “Control.”
Brainstorming Chaos!
Then, we brainstorm the things that are causing chaos. However, I make sure that when I am writing out our chaos causers, I don’t assign blame. If someone says there is chaos because their brother never cleans up after themselves, I write, “personal accountability” or “personal cleanliness.” Then, in the control column, we brainstorm solutions like, “We all clean up every day after school is done” or “No free time until you clean up, but free time ends at the same time for everyone.” You can see my easel and flip pad in the photo. No judging my lefty scrawl! Then, each person states which control they want ownership of. Sometimes, it’s a specific chore, or sometimes, it’s being the family member in charge of a new routine. Household management does not need to fall on only one person!
After everyone agrees, I will write up the chaos control plan more neatly, along with some executive decisions on executing everything. Then, I will add the chores or routines that have specific times to the family wall or digital calendar and post the plan where everyone can see it. I will also thank everyone as the plan gets implemented for the free time or less stress. If it saves money or time, I will reward them with a treat in town or a trip to the park to demonstrate how the changes affect them as well. There are seasons of life where schedules or routines change and we will just have another meeting when things get messy again.
Step For Family Chaos Control
Identify that you’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control
Let the family know that a chaos control meeting is coming
Have a visual (whiteboard or poster) to brainstorm chaos and control
Make sure everyone has input, even the younger kids
Ask everyone what task or chore they would like to manage
Take time to re-write plan and add to calendars as needed
Point out how the plan is making things better or reward if appropriate
Wash, rinse, and repeat
Take the time to check out some of my other blogs and podcast episodes on family management routines, including joining the waitlist for my new cookbook on the Rhythm of a Homestead Kitchen, where you can feed your family whole foods with less time in the kitchen and more money in your wallets.
My book, Raising Self-Sufficient Kids, and my family coaching can also help you with any struggles you may be having.
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